Ah, Guns!

Predictably, the gun violence at Virginia Tech has provoked another round of debate on America's peculiar fondness for firearms. There's nothing else like these debates for getting at hardened and frequently irrational positions on an issue, unless it's an argument about abortion. First, I suppose I should admit that I like guns, and I enjoy shooting them. There's something quite beautiful about the machined precision of a well-made firearm. And there's something very satisfying about aiming and firing a weapon and hitting a target.

At the moment, I don't happen to own any firearms, although I have owned them in the past, and have enjoyed shooting guns with friends. I suspect I will own some again in the future. But the truth is my wife doesn't like me to have them around, based on a single incident some years ago when I went after a prowler with my hunting rifle. I assured her I had no intention of actually shooting the guy, but it was immensely satisfying watching him dash from the front porch when he heard that unmistakable sound of the bolt action loading a round and locking in preparation for firing. By the time I opened the front door he was a fifty yards down the street, going like a world class sprinter. Don't ask me what I would have done had he not run away; I did have a live round in the chamber.

And that's the thing about guns. They can be handy deterrents, but they can also sometimes be a little too handy. One late evening, one of my colleagues, another gun lover, spotted his car being backed quietly out of his driveway, engine off and no lights. He reached for his Colt Python, threw open the front door, and drew down on one of his sons who had come home with some of his buddies to fetch the family's car when his broke down. Fortunately, the boy saw his father and yelled, "Don't shoot, Dad." It could easily have ended as another tragic story of mistaken identity. And had it not been one of his sons, I wonder would he have shot someone for trying to steel a car? Well, I was ready to shoot someone for looking in my windows.

I suppose it's far too late in the game to bring any reason to this debate. Much as I like handguns, I cannot really see any rational justification for ordinary citizens being armed with them. They're very neat weapons, and can be fun to shoot, but their only use away from the target range is shooting other people. If we all carried handguns, we'd be shooting each other at an even more alarming rate than we do now, when only some of us are allowed to carry them. If anyone doubts this is true, they're deluding themselves, or the humans they know are very different from the ones I've had contact with.

But we're Americans, and we have it right there in our constitution that along with our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, we've got the right to keep and bear arms. It's pointless to quibble over which firearms are covered by that right. From time to time we've tried to place rational limits on such things as machine guns, assault rifles, fully automatic weapons, but we don't like to draw such lines. After all, guns don't kill people, people kill people. You might suppose that gun lovers would be able to get along just fine with hunting rifles and shotguns, but there's something in us that needs that added measure of security only a lightweight, easily concealed, fully automatic handgun can provide. And when you get right down to it, a .22 will do the job just about as well as anything else. In a tough spot you just point and shoot and sort out the details a little later.

So I have to agree. If we outlaw guns, only outlaws will have them. We'll all be sitting ducks. That is exactly the problem with gun-free zones. Only the bad guys are armed. Imagine, if you will, what it would mean to have a truly armed citizenry. No more weapon checks at schools and public buildings, no long lines at the airport. Who needs to worry about pocket knives and fingernail files. Hell, we're armed and loaded. If some bastard pulls a box cutter on me, I simply blow him away with my trusty Walther PPK. Airplane hijackings will be a thing of the past. Who'd be foolish enough to try something on a plane knowing that not only are there Air Marshalls aboard, but every passenger is probably armed? And no more worries about school shootings: students and teachers are all now capable of defending themselves against each other.

When you think about it, gun freedoms are just like most other freedoms. The only solution is not less freedom but more. Maybe Ted Nugent and the NRA are onto something after all. You think?